Fun with Dick

How To Get A Guy In Silicon Valley

2007-01-09T00:11:00.000-08:00

In a response to the SNL Digital Short "D%$# in a box," Randi and Jen reveal the three easy steps to get that special man in Silicon Valley!

Impossible is the Opposite of Possible

2007-01-09T00:10:00.000-08:00

Michael Cera's video resume. Made for McSweeney's Presents: The World, Explained (a benefit for 826LA). Directed by Nicholas Jasenovec.

A parody of Aleksey Vayner's infamous "Impossible is Nothing" - http://www.youtube.com/watc...

Here's the Merriam-Webster definition of parody, for all of the slower youtubers out there: http://www.m-w.com/dictiona...

My Legendary Girlfriend

2007-01-09T00:07:00.000-08:00

In 2004 my bro and me made a short film but never completed it. I decided to take the footage and re-cut it around a track I wrote to fit the story of the film. It kinda makes a music video but i prefer to think of it as a story narrated with musical poetry - if that makes sense!? I know I'm no rapper but this is very much a primitive version of what I would like it to be, as always it was made with no budget and very little equipment so I'm pretty pleased with the overall result! Hope you like it too!!

The snake and the bunny

2006-12-31T22:02:00.001-08:00

Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned
bunny and an orphaned snake. By a surprising coincidence, both were
blind from birth. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest,
and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny
tripped over the snake and fell down.

This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit. “Oh, my,” said
the bunny, “I’m terribly sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I’ve been
blind since birth, so, I can’t see where I’m going. In fact, since
I’m also an orphan, I don’t even know what I am.”

It’s quite ok,” replied the snake. “Actually, my story is as yours. I
too have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell
you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you
are so at least you’ll have that going for you.”

“Oh, that would be wonderful” replied the bunny. So the snake
slithered all over the bunny, and said, “Well, you’re covered with
soft fur, you have really long ears, your nose twitches, and you have
a soft cottony tail. I’d say that you must be a bunny rabbit.”

Oh, thank you, thank you,” cried the bunny, in obvious excitement.
The bunny suggested to the snake, “Maybe I could feel you all over
with my paw, and help you the same way that you’ve helped me.” So the
bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, “Well, you’re smooth and
slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls. I’d
say you must be either a team leader, supervisor or possibly someone
in senior management

Blind Date - Olde English Sketch Comedy

2006-12-20T00:22:00.000-08:00

Pi and e are on a date -- but one of them has a chilling secret! Watch more hilarious videos

Tony vs. Paul

2006-12-17T00:23:00.000-08:00

A stop motion battle between two friends turned enemies.

Thanks for all the super nice comments! And since some questions keeps coming up, i thought I'd answer them. The video took two months to shoot and edit, and I edited it in Final Cut Pro. Nothing in the video is "fake" and we definitely didn't use any green screens or after effects or anything. I really am responding to every message, but it appears as if half of them arent going through. Sorry!

Spit Art

2006-12-14T00:25:00.000-08:00

An article about the Year In Ideas included a short article about Albert and his legal graffiti/spit drawing in Dec. 10th's New York Times Magazine.

He currently has a group show at Gian Robot SF. Shows in Philadelphia and Berlin in 2007.

So much for your canoe

2006-12-12T08:58:00.000-08:00

A frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker are captured by cannibals.
The chief cannibal comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now that
we've caught you, we're going to kill you, put you in a pot, cook you, eat
you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you
get to choose how you die."

The Frenchman says, "I take ze sword." The chief gives him a sword, he
says, "Vive la France!" and runs himself through.

The Englishman says, "Right--a pistol for me, please." The chief gives him
a pistol, he points it at his head, says, "God save the queen!" and blows
his brains out.

The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs
and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing
himself all over-the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There's
blood gushing out all over, it's horrible!

The chief is appalled, and asks, "My god almighty, what are you doing?"

The New Yorker gives him the finger and says, "So much for your canoe!"

Pass the sugar Honey

2006-12-11T09:26:00.000-08:00

This guy goes to a party without his wife. He hears this other guy say
to his wife "Pass the sugar, Honey." and "Pass the honey, Sugar." He
thinks this sort of speech is a good idea.

So, the morning when he and his wife are eating breakfast he says to his
wife, "Pass the bacon, Pig."

Human Can Opener

2006-12-10T09:30:00.000-08:00

This is Rebecca: The Human Can Opener. She is one crazy can opening chick. Our goal is to get her on David Letterman's stupid human tricks. Spread the word. If you know Dave personally, let him know. thanks

I LIKE THIS F***ING PLACE ALREADY

2006-12-09T09:35:00.000-08:00

One day a nun was fishing and caught a huge, strange looking fish.
A man was walking by and said, "WOW!! What a nice Gauddam Fish!" The
sister said, "Sir, you shouldn't use God's name in vain." The man said,
"But that's the SPECIES of the fish --- a Gauddam Fish." The sister said,
"Oh, ok."

The Sister took the fish back home and said, "Mother Superior,
look at the Gauddam Fish I caught." Shocked, the Mother Superior said,
"Sister, you know better than that." The nun said, "That's the species of
it --- a Gauddam Fish." So the Mother Superior said, "Well, give me the
Gauddam Fish and I'll clean it."

While she was cleaning the fish, Monsignor walked in and Mother
Superior said, "Monsignor, look at the Gauddam Fish that the sister
caught." Nearly fainting, Monsignor said, "Mother Superior, you shouldn"t
talk like that!" Mother Superior said, "But that's the species of it ---
a Gauddam Fish." Monsignor said, "Well give me the Gauddam Fish and I'll
cook it."

That evening at supper there was a new priest at the table, and he
said, "Wow, what a nice fish." In reply, the sister said, "Thank-you, I
caught the Gauddam Fish." And Mother Superior said, "I cleaned the Gauddam
Fish." And Monsignor said, "I cooked the Gauddam Fish."

The priest looked around in disbelief, quite shocked, and said...

"I LIKE THIS F***ING PLACE ALREADY!"

Need that job? Just send this one back

2006-12-08T09:39:00.000-08:00

Dear Mr. xyz,

Thank you for your letter of February 17th. After careful
consideration I regret to inform you that I am unable to
accept your refusal to offer me employment with your company.

This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an
unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a
varied and promising field of candidates it is impossible
for me to accept all refusals.

Despite your company's outstanding qualifications and
previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that
your rejection does not meet my needs at this time.
Therefore I will initiate employment with your firm
immediately following graduation. I look forward to seeing
you then.

Sincerely,

List of things to do in the office

2006-12-07T09:19:00.000-08:00

Here is the big list of things you can do in the office as a way to remain active and away from boredom

Make blank calls to your Boss.

Send mails from lotus notes (outlook) to your internet mail (and immediately get to the internet and see who reaches first, you or your mail?) and read them there, and note down the time they take to reach there. Then do vice versa…………. !!

Rearrange the furniture, i.e. flick someone else’s chair just to irritate him/her.

Count your fingers (and toes if you still get bored).

Watch other people changing their facial ex-pressions while working and try changing your ex-pressions also.

Try to stretch status meetings as longer as possible, just by asking silly doubts.

Make faces at strangers in office.

Have a two hour lunch; it’s a big social occasion.

Learn to whistle.

Revise last week’s newspaper.

Hold "How fast my computer boots" competitions.

Compile "How to waste your day"

Pick up phone and dial non-existing nos.

Have work breaks in between tea.Count maximum no of applications your computer can open at time.

For Win NT/95 users….Move things to Recycle bin and restore them..Then repeat this process.

Look at someone & try to imagine how(s) he might have looked when(s) he was 5 years old.

Read jokes and send jokes.

Make full use of the comfortable chair and table provided and take a nap.

And if you are still getting bored…………………….then

Atheist joke?

2006-12-06T21:45:00.000-08:00

Everyday a woman stood on her porch and shouted ''praise the lord'.And everyday the atheist next door yelled back "there is no lord" . One day she prayed lord am hungry please send me groceries.

The next morning she found big bag of food on the stairs. "praise the lord " she shouted. i told u there was no lord her neighbour said jumping from behind a bush . "i bought those groceries"he said . praise the lord the woman said he not only sent me groceries but he made the devil pay for them.

You will really love this conversation

2006-12-05T10:47:00.000-08:00

While crossing the US-Mexican border on his bicycle, the man was stopped
by a guard who pointed to twosacks the man had on his shoulders.
"What's in the bags?"

"Sand,"said the cyclist.
"Get them off - we'll take a look," said the guard.

The Cyclist did as he was told, emptied the bags, and proving they contained
nothing but sand, reloaded the bags, put them on his shoulders and continued
across the border.

Two weeks later, the samething happened. Again the guard demanded to see the
two bags, whichagain contained nothing but sand. This went on every week for
six months, until one day the cyclist with the sand bags failed to appear. A
few days later, the gaurd happened to meet the cyclist downtown. "Say friend,
you sure had us crazy", said the gaurd.

"We knew you were smuggling something across the border. I won't say a
word - but what is it you were smuggling?"

"Bicycles!"

List of Signs that you are too drunk

2006-12-04T09:37:00.000-08:00

Here is the listing of signs that you are too drunk:

You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

Job interferring with your drinking.

Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.

The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not!

Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!

The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.

Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you

At AA meeting you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."

You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you
Fell asleep clothed. - hmm.

The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...

I'm as jober as a sudge.

Looking for day off

2006-12-03T05:29:00.000-08:00

So you want the day off. Let's take a look what you are asking for.

There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per
year in which you already have two days off per week leaving 261 days
available for work.

Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you
have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available. You spend 30
minutes each day on coffee break that accounts for 23 days each year,
leaving only 68 days available.

With a one hour lunch period each day,
you have used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for
work. You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you
only 20 days available for work. We are off for 5 holidays per year, so
your available working time is down to 15 days.

We generously give you a
14-day vacation per year that leaves only 1 day available for work, and
I'll be damned if you're going to take that day off!

Two doctors opening their office in a small town

2006-12-02T07:30:00.000-08:00

Two doctors opened an office in a small town and put up a sign
reading “Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology.” The
town council was not happy with the sign,

so the doctors changed it
to “Hysterias and Posteriors.” This was not acceptable either, so in
an effort to satisfy the council they changed the sign to “Schizoids
and Hemorrhoids.” No go. Next, they tried “Catatonics and
High Colonics.” Thumbs down again.

Then came “Manic Depressives and
Anal Retentives.” Still not good. Another attempt resulted in “Minds
and Behinds.” Unacceptable again. So they tried “Lost Souls and Ass
Holes.” No way. “Analysis and Anal Cysts?” Nope. “Nuts and Butts?”
Uh-uh. “Freaks and Cheeks?” Still no go. “Loons and Moons?” Forget
it.

Almost at their wit’s end, the doctors finally came up with:
“Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends.” The town council loved it,
and finally everybody was happy.

Mathematical love

2006-12-01T07:20:00.000-08:00

My Dear Love,

Yesterday, I was passing by your rectangular house in trigonometric lane. There I saw you with your cute circular face, conical nose and spherical eyes, standing in your triangular garden.

Before seeing you, my heart was a null set, but when a vector of magnitude (likeness) from your eyes at a deviation of theta radians made a tangent to my heart, it differentiated.

My love for you is a quadratic equation with real roots, which only you can solve by making good binary relation with me. The cosine of my love for you extends to infinity. I promise that I should not resolve you into partial functions but if I do so, you can integrate me by applying the limits from zero to infinity.

You are as essential to me as an element to a set. The geometry of my life revolves around your acute personality. My love, if you do not meet me at parabola restaurant on date 10 at sunset, when the sun is making an angle of 160 degrees, my heart would be like a solved polynomial of degree 10.

With love from your higher order derivatives of maxima and minima, of an unknown function.

Words that End in Gry

2006-11-30T07:58:00.000-08:00

This is going to make you so MAD! There are three words in the English language that end in "gry".

ONE is angry and the other is hungry. EveryONE knows what the third ONE means and what it stands for. EveryONE uses them everyday, and if you listened very carefully, I’ve given you the third word. What is it? _______gry?

Who is the better programmer Jesus or Satan

2006-11-30T07:49:00.000-08:00

Jesus and Satan have an discussion as to who is the better programmer.
This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a
contest, with God as the judge. They set themselves before their computers
and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for
several hours straight. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt
of lightning strikes,taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power
is restored, and God announces that the contest is over. He asks Satan to
show what he has come up with.

Satan is visibly upset, and cries, "I have nothing. I lost it all when the
power went out."

"Very well, then," says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better."

Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the
voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. Satan is
astonished. He stutters, "B-b-but how? I lost everything, yet Jesus'
program is intact. How did he do it?"

God smiled all-knowingly, "Jesus saves."

About Poker players

2006-11-29T09:34:00.000-08:00

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O’Leary’s apartment when
Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and
drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother,
the other five continue playing standing up.

Michael O’Conner looks around and asks, “Oh, me boys, someone got’s
to tell Paddy’s wife. Who will it be?”

They draw straws. Liam Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him
to be discreet, be gentle, don’t make a bad situation any worse.

“Discreet??? I’m the most discreet Irishmen you’ll ever meet.
Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me”

Gallagher goes over to Murphy’s house and knocks on the door. Mrs.
Murphy answers and asks what he wants.

Gallagher declares: “Your husband just lost $500 and is afraid to come home”

“Tell him to drop dead!” says Murphy’s wife.

“I’ll go tell him.” says Gallagher.

Cool pilot landing his airplane

2006-11-29T06:29:00.000-08:00

A pilot is flying a small single engine plane with a lot of
really important execs on board into Seattle airport. There is fog so
thick that visibility is 10m, and his instruments are out. He circles
looking for a landmark and after an hour, he is low on fuel and his
passengers are very nervous.

At last, through a small opening in the fog he sees a tall building
with one guy working alone on the fifth floor.

Circling, the pilot banks and shouts through his open window: Hi,
where am I?"
The solitary office worker replies: "You're in an airplane."

The pilot executes a swift 275 degree turn and executes a perfect blind
landing on the runway five miles away. Just as the plane stops, the
engines cough and die from lack of fuel. The stunned passengers asked
the pilot how he did it.

"Simple," replies the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple
question. The answer he gave me was 100 percent correct but absolutely
useless; therefore, that must be Microsoft's support office, and from
there, the airport is just 5 miles away on a bearing of 87 degrees!"

Teacher and students introducing in the class

2006-11-28T11:01:00.000-08:00

A new lady teacher came to teach 8th standard students. As it was the
first day, she gave her intro, and asked all the students to introduce themselves with name and hobby.

She said, “Let’s start with the boys first”. Boys start giving their intro…

First boy: “My name is John, and my hobby is to see bubble in the Bathtub”.

Teacher was confused to listen but said, “Interesting. Well, Ok. In
fact, we must be honest in telling the hobby. And after all there is
essentially a child in each of us. So it’s ok John. Yes next”.

Second boy: “Myself Peter and my hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub.”

Teacher now got surprised and said, “Good. I like the spirit of
supporting a friend. Ok next”.

Third boy: “I’m Smith and my hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub”.
Teacher: “Guys are you joking or what? Please be sincere. Ok next”.
This continues…
And the last boy stands up “I’m Harry and my hobby is to see Bubble
in the bathtub”.

Exhausted, the teacher said, “I don’t think I will be able to teach
un-grown boys for long. Anyway, now the girls please.”

First girl: “I’m Julie and my hobby is to see birds”.
Teacher: “Good. At last I got something different. Ok next”.

Second girl: “I’m Ruby and I like to collect perfumes”.
Teacher “Now it’s like educated grown up girls. Ok next.

You sweet Girl; Yes you…”
Most beautiful girl of the class gets up:

“Mam, my name is Bubble, and my hobby is to take bath three times a
day”!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.

Husband writing e mail for his wife

2006-11-28T06:45:00.000-08:00

Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of
Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and
was planning to meet him there the next day.

When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.
Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail
address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he
missed one letter, so his note was directed instead to an elderly
preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before.

When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the
monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.

Hearing this, her family rushed into the room and saw the following note
on the screen:

Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in.
Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Signed,
Your eternally loving husband.
PS. Sure is hot down here.

Four Catholic ladies conversation

2006-11-27T08:28:00.000-08:00

Four Catholic ladies were having coffee.
The first Catholic woman tells her friends
"My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him
'Father.'"

The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he
walks
into a room, people call him
'Your Grace.'"

The third Catholic crone says "My son is a
cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say
'Your Eminence.'"

Since the fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee
in silence, the first three women give her this
subtle "Well...?" Finally she replies, "My son
is a gorgeous, 6' 2, hard-bodied stripper, when
he walks into a room women say,
'Oh my God'."

Female hormones in beer

2006-11-26T22:44:00.000-08:00

Few days back, University scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hopscontainphytoestrogens)and that by drinking enough beer,men turn into women.

To test the theory, 100 men were fed 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:

1) Gained weight.
2) Talked excessively without making sense.
3) Became overly emotional.
4) Couldn’t drive.
5) Failed to think rationally.
6) Argued over nothing.
7) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.

No further testing was considered necessary.

A different sardar

2006-11-25T09:26:00.000-08:00

A Sardarji and his wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston.After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they’re too tired to continue,and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. The Sardarji explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it’s a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren’t worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the maninsists on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to the Sardarji, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use.

But we didn’t use them", the Sardarji complains.
Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager.

He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says But we didn’t go to any of those shows," sardarji complains again.

"Well, we have them, and you could have", the Manager replies. No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the sardarji replies "But we didn’t use it".

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the Sardarji finally gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when the looks at the check. "But sir," he says, "this check is only made out for $1.00".

"That’s right," says the sardarji, "I charged you $349 for sleeping with my wife."

"But I didn’t!" exclaims the Manager. "Well," the Sardarji replies, "she was here, and you could have."

You never like such a birthday celebration

2006-11-24T08:53:00.000-08:00

Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday and I wasn’t feeling too good that morning. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say,”Happy Birthday!”, and probably have a present for me.As it turned out, she didn’t even say good morning, let alone any happy birthday. I thought, well, that’s wives for you, the children will remember..

The children came in to breakfast and didn’t say a word. So when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and despondent..As I walked into my office, my secretary Janet said, “Good morning, Boss. “Happy Birthday”. And I felt a little better that someone had remembered. I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and
said, “You know, it’s such a beautiful day outside, and it’s your birthday, let’s go to lunch, just you and me.” I said, “By George, that’s the greatest thing I’ve heard all day. Let’s go!”

We went to lunch. We didn’t go where we normally go; instead we went out to a private little place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, “You know, it’s such a beautiful day. We don’t need to go back to the office, do we?” I said, “No, I guess not.” She said, “Let’s go to my apartment.” After arriving at her apartment she said, “Boss, if you don’t mind, I
think I’ll go into the bedroom and slip into something more exciting”. “Sure!” I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake —– followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday.

And I just sat there —-on the couch —-Naked !!

Three men horrible death story for heaven

2006-11-23T07:07:00.000-08:00

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"

So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early and try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony." "That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.

"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story. "Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."

Two men sentenced for 20 yaers with one wish after 10 years

2006-11-22T05:59:00.000-08:00

Two men were sentenced for 20 years to be in a single room with only one wish in each 10 years. The first man asked for as many books as he can put in his room, so he can read these books in next 10 years alone.

The second one was a smoker as a habit. He asked for enough quantity of cigarettes for next 10 years. After giving the books and cigarettes, guardians closed and locked their doors.

10 years later it was the time to ask to the prisoners for their second wish for last 10 years.

The first man asked for books again and a reading-glass. Then, they opened the door of the second prisoner and found him with all cigarettes and he was insane. They
asked him for his second wish for the following 10 years.

"Lighter !!!...Lighter!!!" he said with a screaming voice.

Two rednecks after solving a puzzle

2006-11-22T05:36:00.000-08:00

Two rednecks were in a bar partying like fools. They were drinking boiler makers, buying rounds & yee hawin' !

When asked why the celebration,

they boasted that they just finished a jigsaw puzzle & it only took them 2 months!

"TWO MONTHS?!" cried the bartender. "That's ridiculous. It shouldn't take that long!!"

"Oh yeah?" says one redneck. "The box said 2 - 4 YEARS!

Top Five Most Frivolous Cases Filed By New York City Prisoners

2006-11-21T06:09:00.000-08:00

Here is the listing of Top Five Most Frivolous Cases Filed By New York City Prisoners

Francis Hugh Smith claimed New York owed him $10 million because
faulty medical care caused amnesia that made him leave his
work-release job and forget to return to prison.

Anthony Malloy sought "$989 billion trillion" because he said
prison guards beat up his jacket, which he was not wearing at the
time. His case was dismissed.

Anthony Gill claimed secondhand cigarette smoke from other inmates
caused him medical problems -- altho' he buys cigarettes from the
prison commissary.

Jose Reyes wants $1000 because the state made him eat vegetable
diet loaf after he violated prison rules. He said he lost 450g.

Thomas Higgins sued the state for $10,000 because a prison laundry
machine broke and he claims a constitutional right to clean clothes
and blankets.

A woman's duties

2006-11-20T01:03:00.000-08:00

Three men were sitting together, bragging about how they had given their new wives duties. The first man had married a woman from Indiana, and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed to be done at their house. He said that it took a couple days, but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

The second man had married a woman from Utah. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, the dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third had married a Georgia girl. He said that he told her that her duties were to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, just enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and telephone a landscaper.

Today's Joke: The School Master from rural Bihar

2006-11-19T09:43:00.000-08:00

The School Master from rural Bihar

This School Master from a remote rural area in Bihar was transferred to a new School in Mumbai. He reported for duty two days after the actual date of joining, Consequently he was asked for an explanation in writing... check out his reply listed below!

Deer sur,

If small small mistakes getting inside my letter, I big you pardon, ass I am not a good englis speaker.

This is my fist vijit to Bombai. Stickly speaking, I wanted to joint your school more fastly, but for the following region, too much time lost in getting slipper reservation in three-tyre compartment.

I tolded , I has head ache problem due to migration. Still theclerk rejected to give ticket to I and my sun. I putted a complain on station masterji. He said I to go to the lady clerk. At first she also rejected. I then pressed for long time and finally with great difficulty she gave a birth to my sun. Anyway I thanked the station master also because he was phully responsible for getting birth of my sun.

Ass a hole it was a bhery diphicult experiment in my hole life. I hope u will look into explain my hole story after, and late me joint first. I am now ending this fastly. I am a waiter for your responsement.
May God blast you!

Yours awfully,
RAMKHILAWAN YADAV

Love Corner - A Zebro Short

2006-11-19T06:23:00.001-08:00

Love Corner is a short that we are working on for our sketch comedy TV pilot. It will be re-edited most likely, but here is a sneak peak. Special thanks to the Kevin S. Bright (exec producer, Friends & Dream On) and the Emerson Channel for

Joke abot a grad student, a post-doc and a professor

2006-11-18T05:59:00.000-08:00

A grad student, a post-doc, and a professor are walking trough a citypark
and they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a
puff of smoke.

The Genie says, " I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give
each of you just one".

"Me first! Me first!" says the grad student. "I want to be in the
Sardinia, driving a speedboat with a gorgeous woman who sunbathes
topless."
poof! He's gone.

"Me next! Me next!" says the post-doc. "I want to be in Hawaii,
relaxing on the beach with a professional hula dancer on one side and a
Mai Tai on the other."
Poof! He's gone.

"You're next", the Genie says to the professor.

The professor says," I want those guys back in the lab after lunch."

About a group picture

2006-11-18T05:55:00.000-08:00

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to
persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

"Just think how
nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's
Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, he's a doctor. A small
voice at the back of the room rang out,

"And there's the teacher; she's dead."

Singapore Airlines

2006-11-17T10:56:00.000-08:00

A mother and her young inquisitive son were flying Singapore Airlines
from Singapore to New York. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, “If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don’t
planes have baby planes?”

The mother (who couldn’t think of an answer) told her son to ask the pretty flight attendant. So the boy dutifully asked the flight attendant, “If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don’t planes have baby planes?”

The flight attendant responded, “Did your mother tell you to ask me that?” The little boy admitted that she did. “Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Singapore Airlines always pulls out on time. Now, let your mother explain that to you.”!!!

Hobbit - Reversed Wind Technique

2006-11-17T01:53:00.001-08:00

Hobbit Puts A Spin On Kenny Muhammeds Wind Technique ;)

Voted Best Joke of the Year in Australia

2006-11-16T09:38:00.000-08:00

Kiwi walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says:

"Darling, this is the hog I have sex with when you have a headache."

His girlfriend is lying in bed and replies: "I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot."

The man says: "I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."

Believe it or not but it is true

2006-11-15T02:34:00.000-08:00

God created the donkey

and said to him.
“You will be a donkey. You will work un-tiringly from sunrise to sunset
carrying burdens on your back. You will eat grass,
you will have no intelligence and you will live 50 years.”
The donkey answered:
“I will be a donkey, but to live 50 years is much. Give me only 20 years”
God granted his wish.

God created the dog

and said to him:
“You will guard the house of man. You will be his best Friend.
You will eat the scraps that he gives you and you will live 30 years.
You will be a dog. ” The dog answered:
“Sir, to live 30 years is too much,give me only 15 years.
” God granted his wish.

God created the monkey

and said to him:
“You will be a monkey. You will swing from branch to branch doing tricks.
You will be amusing and you will live 20 years. ” The monkey answered:
“To live 20 years is too much, give me only 10 years.”
God granted his wish.

Finally God created man

and said to him:
“You will be man, the only rational creature on the face of the earth.
You will use your intelligence to become master over all the animals.
You will dominate the world and you will live 20 years.”
Man responded:
“Sir, I will be a man but to live only 20 years is very little,
give me the 30 years that the donkey refused,
the 15 years that the dog did not want and
the 10 years the monkey refused.
” God granted man’s wish

And since then, man lives 20 years as a man,
marries and spends 30 years like a donkey,
working and carrying all the burdens on his back.

Then when his children are grown,
he lives 15 years like a dog taking care of the house
and eating whatever is given to him,

so that when he is old,
he can retire and live 10 years like a monkey,
going from house to house and from one son or
daughter to another doing tricks to amuse his grandchildren.

That’s Life.

Is’nt it?

Lil. Mary and Johnny - an oldie naughty joke?

2006-11-14T10:20:00.000-08:00

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School.Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, who created the universe?''

When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny seated behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.

''God Almighty!'' shouted Mary on the pain and the teacher said, ''Very good'' Mary fell back to sleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?''

But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' Mary fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?''

And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!''

The Teacher fainted.

DICTIONARY FOR ARGUING WITH WOMEN

2006-11-13T21:20:00.000-08:00

Here is the Dictionary for urging with women. It is quite impressive and hope you will enjoy it

1. “Fine”

This is the word women use at the end of any argument when they feel they are right but can’t stand to hear you argue any longer. It means that you should shut up. (NEVER use “Fine” to describe how she looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.)

2. “Five minutes”

This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so women feel that it’s an even trade.

3. “Nothing”

“Nothing” means something and you should be on your toes. “Nothing” is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. “Nothing” usually signifies an argument that will last “Five Minutes” and end with the word “Fine.”

4. “Go Ahead” (with raised eyebrows)

This is NOT permission; it’s a dare! If you mistake it for permission, the result will be the woman will get upset over “Nothing” and you’ll have a “Five-minute” discussion that will end with the word “Fine.”

5. “Go Ahead” (normal eyebrows)

This is NOT permission, either. It means, “I give up” or “do what you want because I don’t care.” You will get a raised eyebrow “Go Ahead” in just a few minutes, followed by “Nothing” and “Fine” and she will talk to you in about “Five Minutes” when she cools off.

6. “Loud Sigh”

This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement.

Very frequently misunderstood by men. A “Loud Sigh” means she thinks you are a complete idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over “Nothing.”

7. “Soft Sigh”

Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. “Soft Sighs” are one of the few things that some men actually understand. It means she is momentarily content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe in the hope that the moment will last a bit longer.

8. “Oh”

This word-followed by any statement-is trouble. Example; “Oh, let me get that”. Or, “Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night.” If she says “Oh” before a statement, run, do not walk, to the nearest exit.

She will tell you that she is “Fine” when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least two days.

9. “That’s Okay”

This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man.

“That’s Okay” means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding what the penalty will be for whatever you have done. “That’s Okay” is often used with the word “Fine” and in conjunction with a raised eyebrow “Go Ahead.” Once she has had time to plan it out, you are in for some mighty big trouble.

10. “Please Do”

This is not a statement, it is an offer. The woman is giving you the chance to come up with an excuse for what you have done. In other words, a chance to get yourself into even more trouble. If you handle this correctly, you shouldn’t get a “That’s Okay.”

11. “Thanks”

The woman is thanking you. Don’t faint and don’t look for hidden meaning. Just say, “you’re welcome.”

12. “Thanks A Lot”

Dramatically different from “Thanks.” A woman will say “Thanks A Lot” when she is really ticked off at you. It is usually followed by the “Loud Sigh.” This signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way. Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the “Loud Sigh,” as she will only tell you “Nothing.”

Greg Hits Hollywood

2006-11-13T07:54:00.001-08:00

It's amazing what people put up with just to be "on TV"... Shot at Mann's Chinese Theatre in Los Angeles, CA.

Skate Boarding Dog

2006-11-12T05:44:00.001-08:00

Best skate boarding routine seen yet. The dog loves it too! He's having real fun!

The boxer very funny

2006-11-11T07:53:00.001-08:00

This old time boxer i meeet today at venice beach is makeing a come back he wants to be the new heavyweight champlen of the world and i know he will his just like mike trson

Fun about cannibals

2006-11-10T23:11:00.000-08:00

A large corporation recently hired several cannibals. “You are all part of our team now”, said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing. “You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don’t eat any of our employees”.

The cannibals promised they would not. Four weeks later their boss remarked, “You’re all working very hard and I’m satisfied with your work. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?” The cannibals all shook their heads “No”.

After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, “Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?” A hand rose hesitantly. “You fool!” the leader continued. “For four weeks we’ve been eating managers and no one noticed anything. But NOOOooo, you – you had to go and eat someone who actually does something.”!

Inzaman-ul-Haq Captain of the Pakistan cricket team

2006-11-10T10:40:00.000-08:00

It is just for fun

Most cricketers, who are not comfortable in conversing in English, go prepared for some standard questions that are asked from them when commentators chat with them during the awards ceremony.

Inzamam was once asked a different question after Pakistan won the match, for which he was not prepared. He always had a standard response to the first question. But this time…..

Tony Greig: So Inzi, that’s fantastic, your wife is pregnant for the second time!

Inzamam: Bismillah-e-Rehman-e-Rahim! All credit goes to the boys. Everyone work hard for it, especially Afridi. It was tight situation when he went in. Without his strokes it not have been possible. He was pulling the good Balls. Also Bob Woolmer keeping close watch on progress and giving instructions. It’s all team effort which pulled us out of big hole. Insha Allah, we all will work together as team, put in big effort and deliver good result all the time.

Saito's Welcome Song

2006-11-10T05:02:00.001-08:00

I love this vid lol it was fun to make i used the song Wonka's welcome song from Charlie and the chocolate factory enjoy

THIS VIDEO IS PURELY FAN-MADE AND IS IN NO WAY ASSOCIATED WITH THE MUSICAL ARTIST OR ANIME COMPANY IN ANY WAY.

Bush is my Bitch - Travis Simmons Live Standup Comedy Funny

2006-11-10T05:01:00.001-08:00

Short version - Political Comedy, a lot of people have been afraid to do political jokes, many are just starting to do it, I never stopped. Here are two Enron and Bush is my Bitch two very funny bits! If you are felling me, leave a comment Short version - Political Comedy, a lot of people have been afraid to do political jokes, many are just starting to do it, I never stopped. Here are two Enron and Bush is my Bitch two very funny bits! If you are felling me, leave a comment that simply says,"Bush is my Bitch!"
So click laugh, and please leave a comment and rate this video. I want to know what the people around the world think. the go and listen to "The "N" Word in Music" or "Birth Control for Men"
Thanks Travis

Funny Video Clip: Only knock twice.

2006-11-09T23:47:00.000-08:00

In this funny parody shortfilm, the same ugly and than pretty girl is showing you, how not to sell and how to sell a chocolate. Have fun watching this cool and funny video clip.

You will see a lot of difference when you see this video. I would also have done the same thing if it happens with me.

Stupid funny goals

2006-11-09T14:44:00.000-08:00

hot five of funny goals. These are the best funny goals I have seen. I think First one is the best one of these. Tell me what you think is the best one?

Why I should feel shamed if I drink

2006-11-09T09:30:00.000-08:00

It is just for fun

..
    ..
    ..

“Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams If I didn’t drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself,”It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.”~ Jack Handy

Technorati Profile

There are Teachers… and then there are Educators

2006-11-08T09:43:00.000-08:00

According to a news report, a certain private school in Markham, Ohio was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back. Several memos were posted about this without effect. Finally the Principal decided that something had to be done.

She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.

To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls just how hard it was. The maintenance guy took out a long-handled squeegee, solemnly dipped it in the nearest toilet bowl, and scrubbed at the mirror.

There was complete silence in the room. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

The Power Behind The Throne

2006-11-07T03:24:00.000-08:00

Hillary and Bill were on vacation one weekend, and decided to go for a drive to see the beautiful countryside. After a while, they needed to stop for gas. They pulled into the tiny gas station, and out walked a man to help them. Hillary looked up and screamed at the top of her lungs, "Oh my God! Charley? Is that you? I can't believe it!"

She leapt out of the car and gave the man a big hug, and proceeded to talk with the man for a long time. After they were finished talking, they hugged again, and Hillary got back in the car...

As they were driving away, Bill turned to Hillary and asked "Honey, who was that?"

"That was Charley, an old boyfriend of mine," she responded. "We dated for a long time, and almost got married."

"Oh." said Bill. "Well I guess you're glad you married me instead."

"Why do you say that?" asked Hillary.

"Because he's only a gas station attendant, and I'm the President of the United States." exclaimed Bill.

"I don't see how that has anything to do with anything." said Hillary. "If I would have married Charley, he would be the President."

DON'T MENTION THAT BITCH

2006-11-07T03:20:00.000-08:00

Back in their day, Boris Yeltsin, Bill Clinton & Mexican President Ernesto Zedillo were at a summit dinner in France.

The waiter asks "Le apperitive?"
All of them answer, "Oui!"

The waiter looks at Zedillo, "Le tequila?"
Zedillo: "Oui!"

The waiter looks at Yeltsin, "Le vodka?"
Yeltsin: "Oui!"

Finally, the waiter looks at Clinton, "Le whisky?"
Clinton: "DON'T MENTION THAT BITCH!"

Christmas Gift

2006-11-06T09:40:00.000-08:00

A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.
A friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those sporty 4-Wheel drive vehicles."

"She did," he replied. "But where in the heck was I gonna find a fake Jeep?"

Saying the Right Thing While Drunk

2006-11-06T01:55:00.000-08:00

Martin wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.

Martin looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house.

takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table.

“Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love You!!!”

So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper.

His son is also at the table, eating.

Martin asks, “Son, what happened last night?”

His son says, “Well, you came home around 3 AM , drunk and delirious.

Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door.”

Confused, Martin asks, “So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me? I should expect a big quarrel with her!”

His son replies, “Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your clothes n shoes off, you said, “Lady leave me alone! I’m married!”

A pregnant woman joke

2006-11-05T20:29:00.000-08:00

A pregnant woman is in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them." The woman thinks to herself, Oh no, not my brother, he's an idiot! Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?" "Denise," says the doctor. The new mother thinks, Wow, that's not a bad name! I guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise! Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?" The doctor replies, "Denephew."

Really funny conversation

2006-11-04T20:25:00.000-08:00

This is just for fun and do not take it seriously

So here is the fun.......

An Indian is calmly having his breakfast when an American, typically Chewing gum, sits down beside him. The Indian ignores the American who begins to chat:

The American: Do you eat that bread-entirely?

The Indian: Of course!

The American: We do not. We only eat the inner part; the crust is put in A container, later processed, transformed into flour and then sold to India. The Indian says nothing.

The American continues: Do you eat this jelly with the bread?

The Indian repeats: Of course.

The American: We do not. We eat our fresh fruits for breakfast; we keep All the peels and seeds in containers. Later we process it, and transform it into jelly and then we sell it to India.

The Indian asks: And what do you do with the condoms after you use them?

American: We throw them away, of course!

Indian: We do not..! We keep them in containers, process them, transform them into chewing gum and then sell it to The United States !!!

Joke of the Day!!

2006-11-04T06:52:00.001-08:00

McFly shares his favorite joke of the day with his colored companion, but is unaware of critics with yellow pages.

Cute Giggly Baby

2006-11-04T06:51:00.000-08:00

This baby is so cute.....His laugh is just mind blowin.....if he does not crack you up in laughter...then you have issues.....very funny!!!

MY NAME IS MANJEET - BALLE BALLE BOYZ - NRI PUNJABI

2006-11-04T06:37:00.000-08:00

It is really funny. watch out the song by NRI PUNJABI

Nice Pilot and nice Flying

2006-11-03T20:23:00.000-08:00

This dude can fly aerobatics.Thanks to all Videographers at Flightlevel350.com

Bailey the Gay Dog

2006-11-02T22:13:00.000-08:00

Bailey and his big brother Tyler having fun!

A boy getting tripped by his friends

2006-11-02T22:10:00.000-08:00

Watch out this funny video in which a boy is being tripped by his friends

Who's Your Daddy

2006-11-02T22:09:00.000-08:00

Who's Your Daddy

SPECIAL HALLOWEEN

2006-11-01T22:56:00.001-08:00

Hye!

Well, for Halloween, we decided to go out and drink and have some fun... Well... Wasn't that bad. ^3^

Gina Cutillo Band Rehearsal

2006-11-01T22:56:00.000-08:00

Gina and the guys having fun, rehearsing and everything else. Behind the scenes... with Ron Labriola on Guitar, Paul Siegel on Bass, Jay Nova Castronova on Drums, Jennifer Glennon on Back Up Vocals, and Gina Cutillo on Guitar and Vocals.

having fun down under

2006-11-01T22:54:00.000-08:00

kiwi gurl mucking around

Us Hobo's Dancing to Shakira On Halloween

2006-11-01T22:44:00.000-08:00

halloween, we were hobo's dancing stupidly to shakira lol, im the first one dancing.